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SIMMONS UNVEILS NEW SEMINAR

May 23, 2003 - Pittsburgh, PA

Wealthy industrialist and philanthropist J. R. Simmons took some time out of his busy schedule last weekend to show a few aspiring young tycoons the benefits of tying the "Double Windsor." The boys had just had a long day of M&A seminars at the J. R. Simmons School of Management, and we're planning on having a few drinks to relax. Mr. Simmons spotted the pair and decided to intervene.

Mr. Simmons began his impromptu lesson by saying: "First gentlemen, you're never going to get anywhere saying 'Fie-nance.' It's f-nance OK? And second, learn to tie a knot for christ's sake, you can't come in here looking like that. It's embarrassing." After the brief demonstration, Mr. Simmons had a quick drink and then jumped in his chauffeured Bentley with his charming wife Jennifer for a quick ride uptown to his luxury penthouse in the J. R. Simmons Towers.
"Let's get started." "Huh?" "No this one goes over..."
"...And under here..." "I got it!" "I'm tired Mrs. Simmons, lets go home."